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Free Flow Writing 28 March 2010

Where is my purpose? The importance in what I do? There are things I want to do, but I feel no more drive to do them, because it doesn’t seem important. I want to write, I want to write amazing stories that make people think, but for some reason the importance of doing so seems to have escaped me.

Sure I could write a great story, with great characters. A story that people can’t put down, they see the world through their eyes, they feel what they feel, they see the importance of the characters goals, and cheer them on, all the while seeing what is changing the character. They will cry with the characters, laugh with them, and truly feel almost as if they are them. This is a great story, something I want to write, but feel no drive to write.

I’ve identified what makes writing important, the need to explore themes. Stories drive our world, inspire us to do better, make us think about who we are, and if we are living the best we can. This is all important to the world, but in the end I can’t seem to make stories seem important any more. I know I could write a good story. But I can’t bring myself to put myself into it, my soul.

Why is this? Why am I not seeing that the stories I could write will be important to the readers? It makes me sad that the motivation, the love of the word I used to have when I was younger has fallen away. My action when I do not write, the stuff I do to waste time is far less important then writing, but I find myself constantly doing them. Playing video games, sleeping, drinking, wasting time on movies.

Why do I do these things more, rather then write more and put good words on paper that others can enjoy. I have been slowly writing my Soldier Qualification Serial and I enjoy it when I do that, but that isn’t something I have to create. It is just my adventures during my course. No real theme or action, just some good times to share with others.

I need to find my motivation, and the importance again to write. I love reading and have been doing so more frequently, just having finished Holly Lisle’s Talyn. I’ m now reading General Rick Hillier’s “A Sodier First”. His Auto Biography. These books are both great. Talyn is a fantasy, and yet inspires great things from its readers. ” A Soldier First” is full of great wisdoms from a great man that changed the face of Canadian Military History and made our army better and more respected then it ever has been in a long time.

These books started off as an idea within the authors mind. They both realized the importance of the written word, and they found the motivation to write their books, and their books have both had a great importance on their readers.

I need to find my motivation, sit down, and write.

I feel like shit isn’t happening the way I envisioned it sometimes. Since being in the military I see different opportunities and once again I’m trying to decide which way I want to go? I’m currently just starting my Vehicle Technician QL 3 course. I want to get this training under me. I think it is a very good education to have.

But I’m really worried I will not pass this course. I look at how hard I have to study to pass, and it is incredibly hard. Lots of people have failed off the other courses. Now I know I have the smarts to pass, and nobody has ever called me lazy before. So I know that if I buckle down, I can pass this course.

But what direction do I really want to take? Do I really want to be a vehicle technician? I look at the lifestyle I have now, I sometimes feel like I’ve gone backwards in life.

Now I have made improvements, and I’m slowly getting back to my old self. I quit smoking, so I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t mind drinking, but I have slowed down so I’m not wasting money on it so much, and so I can think better. I still get drunk occasionally. Of course on my holidays I plan to get pretty smashed with my boys on Christmas holidays.

But really, I have improved there. But I’m overweight again. I used to be in good shape. I used to run all the time, lift weights, and watch my food. What has caused me to go back to my original 270 lbs? Well basically I just run and eat lots. I still run, when the military takes us for runs. I still keep the cardio in, but it’s not enough. I need to lift the weights, I need to watch out how much I eat.

Now right now with the amount of time I have for myself, I am only going to be able to watch what I eat. I need to get a handle on this part. Because I don’t know what they are feeding me in there every day, I can’t really set up a schedule to eat only certain food every day.

What I do know is they have an abundant supply of raw vegetables and fruits. I know they have a meat every meal, though sometimes quite greasy. I know they have water, and milk. I also know they have whole wheat breads. Multi grain. Rye. They have good bread.

So what should I stick to? What should I eat from what I mentioned? Well I should grab the most fat free meat they have at each meal, or another animal by product if the food is really fatty. So for breakfast I shouldn’t eat the bacon or sausage. I should grab hard boiled eggs and eat only the egg whites.

I should then only grab water for my drinks. If I’m working out with weights then milk is good, but if all I’m doing is running and eating well, then I should avoid drinking lots of milk. Water is better. I should grab fresh fruits during breakfast to get the energy into me. And a whole grain bread source.

During lunch and supper I should grab the raw vegetables instead. During lunch some bread is good as well if I want to mix it with the veggies to make a sandwich.

All my food should fit on one plate nicely. Not stacked up, but nicely. This is another thing. I eat one plate of food at every meal, but it’s usually heaping, and full of fried foods. Now I need to also get it through my head it’s a lifestyle I’m doing here. If I always eat healthy, the fat on my body will slowly disappear and eventually I’ll be back to my old weight of 230 lbs or so.

Once I get the time, I need to also hit the weights. Now what I need to figure out next is what do I want to do for academics? I know the course I’m taking is extremely tough, and it’s long. Do I really want to be a mechanic? Where do my true passions lye?

I love writing, I love reading. I want to get back into body building. If I got back into working out, and getting shape, I could once again start working on my personal training course. Though I need to get in shape first.

This is where I look at what would be the best trade. If all I want to do is get into great shape, maybe infantry is the way to go. But I also don’t feel like spending days and days in the field. I know I will already spend lots in the field as a vehicle tech. But infantry spend almost all their time in the field. It is only when they are not working and on their own time they aren’t in the field.

Any combat trade would get me into amazing shape, but most of their time is spent in the field. I think vehicle tech is a good trade. The truth is as well that these 6 months of hard studying and training is probably the hardest part of becoming a vehicle tech. Once I get to my unit then I just work and learn in the shop, and eventually I’ll be qualified and working normal hours, and getting my time off in the evening.

The reading is just crazy hard on this course. They expect us to read chapters of technical jumble and then remember it for an exam the next day. It is insane. The fail rate for this course is ridiculous. I just need to buckle down and get it done.

What I need to focus on is eating more healthy food, and not so much. Moderation. Keep up the running, and study hard.

My passions may be writing, but the army is what brings me in the pay checks right at the moment.

Fuck. What is wrong with me? I still am blank. I sit here thinking to myself about how much I want to write. I want to write I want to write I want to write… but what do I want to write? Everything that used to seem so important to me doesn’t seem so important any more. When I was younger I wanted to write about things that I wasn’t allowed to do, or I couldn’t do because I wasn’t old enough, or things stopped me.

I wanted to write about great sex and alcohol, and drugs, and I wanted to write it in a fantasy story. I wanted to write about hot characters, with smoking bodies. Curves that I could elusively talk about so I wouldn’t get in trouble by my parents if they read the story. I wanted to write about wars, great battles, with great heroes. I wanted to write about things that couldn’t ever happen in this world, about creatures that didn’t exist, about cultures and worlds and languages that I would make up myself and write about.

What happened to that? Why am I not interested in writing about it any more. Is it that my experiences since I was younger have made these things not seem so exciting any more? I’ve had sex, I’ve been with good looking women. I don’t need to write about sex, or hot women to get off and feel like I’m experiencing it. I have experienced it many times now. I don’t need to write about being drunk. I’ve been drunk many times now. I don’t need to write about drugs. I’ve done drugs.

I don’t need to write about battles. I haven’t been in a battle, but I’ve been in real life simulations, and had explosions go off around me that could injure me If I wasn’t careful. I have stayed up for days on end, and I’ve had hallucinations from being sleep deprived. I’ve experienced a more realistic battle then I could ever write about. The only thing more real would be a real battle. What I write about in a book though was not as rough as what I experienced in training, and so what could I possibly want to write about now. I suppose a more grisly and real life scenario of a real battle.

It seems that my main motivation for writing when I was younger was so I could experience things that I wasn’t allowed. Now I am non religious, and I have experienced many things I wasn’t allowed. I’m in the military, I’m a soldier. What do I want to write about? What reason is it that I want to write? I want to write because I remember what it was like to write before. The enjoyment I got from it. I like writing because I like to see the reactions I get from my readers. I want to write because I want to entertain, I want to make people experience emotion and say “that was a great book. Where is the next one.” I want a lifestyle where I can chill with a coffee in a nice suit and write a book. I want to be the distinguished writer. I want that lifestyle. I want a decent looking woman who is kind, and understands my passion.

What I more or less have written about lately now is my feelings. I’ve written about my feelings, and expressed them. I’ve had deeper conversations with people and written about them. I’ve written about deeper topics. About deeper thoughts I’ve had. I’m expressing myself on paper more directly then through fictional means. So what does this mean? Does this mean that even though I think I want to write fantasy again and fiction, that the reality is I want to write about deep topics and change the thoughts and ideas of other people out there?

Maybe that is it? Maybe I think I want to write fiction, when really I want to write about ideas, theology, and deeper topics that impact people on a deep level, not just give them a good story. But give them something to think about that might change their lives.

I want to write about where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. The questions that religion today has tried to answer. I have my own answers, maybe I can share them with people. Though why do I want to share them with people? Do I want people to understand me? Maybe I feel like I’m alone in the world. I have tons of friends, but my family is all Mormon. I sometimes feel they don’t understand me. And the truth is, no matter how often they say they understand me, they never will. They can never understand me until they have lived my lifestyle.

That is why wars start. We here think we understand a people in another land, so when we try to give them our ideas, and they reject them, they get mad as we try to force them on them.

I’m lucky in this regard that my family doesn’t force their ideas on me, but they still do not understand me and I think I want to write my ideas so that I can see if others out there would like to learn about my believes and maybe they will take an interest in them.

I have started up a website where I share my writing with people. My ideas, my stories, my insights. I want to share an article on my beliefs on there. Maybe people will like it, and they will want to learn more. What more can I teach them? My beliefs are pretty simple. Maybe instead of writing a book about my ideas and thoughts, I will just continue to share them on my website and get faithful readers on there.

But will people take a great interest into my writing? Do people really care about my beliefs enough to be faithful readers? I don’t know, and the best way to find out is to just get people to read my stuff. Maybe later in the future I’ll have enough material an paper to write a full size book. I think another major reason I write is to get my ideas on paper because I have so many of them that I eventually get overwhelmed with my ideas and forget some. So I write them down as a way to archive my ideas.

So when I eventually get enough information for a book, I could put one together. But who would buy it? Who would by a book that has ideas and insights from a young twenty something man who doesn’t have important connections? Why would any body take notice of my ideas. If a famous actor writes something, everybody cares. I’m just a low ranking soldier and a very unfamous young man. Who would care to read? Why would a publisher publish my stuff? Even if it’s put together well, and the editor likes it, they have to have a market for it.

What market would such a book fall into? What genre would a book about my own insights and ideas fall into?

So what have I learned from this writing? I want to write, but my old reasons for writing have disappeared. I think I want to write fantasy, but I really want to write about my new ideas that have formed in my head over the last few years.

I will go about this, by publishing my writings on my site. I will build traffic to my site and get readers.
I also want to write so I can make money. I want to write good content that people take interest in, and they tell their friends, and I get enough traffic to sell advertising, and they buy products. But that means I need to find markets that I know enough about to write interesting and engaging content about.

I know a lot about body building, but I really am not that much of a body builder any more. What else do I know a lot about? I know a lot about writing. But who would listen to me? An unpublished young person. I have no real publishing creditability. I would just be teaching stuff I learned and rehashed to teach others. Thats the problem. I need to be able to write about stuff that I am accomplished in, and that people can see that I have a real say in. I can’t have a real influence in a market if I am not successful in it.

This is stuff I need to think about.