Cuyler Callahan's Official Home Page

For the record, I did not write this. I found this on facebook. I do not know who the original author of this writing is. If you are the original author, let me know, and I’ll gladly give you credit to this and update this post to include your name.

I thought this was a great piece. I’ve been in the Canadian Forces Army for a bit now. I was a reservist in the infantry for a year, from July 07 to July 08, with the Loyal Edmonton Regiment in Edmonton. I got in the Regular Force in April of 2009 and I’m now a member of the Electrical Mechanical Engineers (EME) as a Vehicle Technician.

I find this piece hilarious, but also quite accurate. The best part of being a soldier is laughing at ourselves at some of the strange and nonsensical things we do. So for a good laugh read this piece and enjoy a funny, but accurate, account of the typical Canadian Soldier’s life.

Enjoy!

Cuyler Callahan

HOW TO SIMULATE CANADIAN ARMY LIFE

Want to be a soldier, but really don’t want to commit precious years of your life? Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it’s like to be a Canadian soldier!

-.-.-.-.-FIELD LIFE-.-.-.-.-.-

–> Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

–> Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in that two weeks to shower.

–> Dig a hole in your backyard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

–> Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come by, compliment you on the fine hole you’ve dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else.

–> Always dig a hole next to the hole you’re living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time your move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and it with a “Foul Ground” sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you’re not looking.

–> Collect a jar full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquitos. Pour them down the back of your shirt.

–> Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your backyard and wait two weeks before eating them.

–> If it doesn’t rain, turn on the sprinklers.

–> If you’re incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don’t sleep at all that day.

–> Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are.

–> Cook your meals over sterno. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Leave to sit and turn ice cold. Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, run two kilometers.

–> Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

–> Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters — or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer.

–> For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometers without stopping. Wear a back pack with fifty-five pounds of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way.

–> When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

–> Have one meal a week served to you floating in its own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way.

-.-.-.-.-GARRISON LIFE-.-.-.-.-.- (with the repetitive ones deleted)

–>Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

–> Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, and then have somebody tell you that you’re not entitled to it. Walk away.

–>Have your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend whine about how you’re always on deployment.

Whenever you’re bored, get drunk. Be bored often.

–> Study the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart, clean it and put it back together.

–>Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid suggestions to make the job “easier”. Say “yes sir” and do it the way they told you to do it. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way.

–>Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really hate, stay there for fifteen years.

–>Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new.

–> If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn’t need cleaning.

-.-.-.-.-.-PEACEKEEPING-.-.-.-.-.-

–>Have two neighbours start a fight. Get in between them and have them hit you instead of each other.

–>After the neighbours have hit you several times, have them calm down. Have another, much larger person pretend to be your ally and piss the neighbours off again (by pretending to bomb their houses and basically bully them around) and start them fighting. Repeat the above.

–>Ask the “feuding” neighbours to throw rocks at you and call you names every time they see you, because of what the larger person did to their homes.

–>Bring the neighbours medical supplies, food and blankets. Have them slam the door in your face without saying thank you, because the much larger person bombed their houses. Get some of them to say thank you, and have the much larger person tell you to never bring them that stuff again.

-.-.-.-.-.-TRAINING ENVIRONMENT-.-.-.-.-.-

–> Run. Run a lot. Once in the morning, once at noon and once before supper. Run at least five kilometers each time, singing inane songs and pretending you really want to do this.

–> Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for five hours, or until you pass out and fall face first into the asphalt. Have somebody yell at you the entire time. Have this same person nitpick at you incessantly and then fine you $50.00 and confine you to your room for a week, coming out only to go to the bathroom, shower, or to eat.

–> Have somebody yell at you every time you’re stupid enough go outside without a hat on, slouch, or put your hands in your pockets.

–> Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer.

–> Give yourself twenty minutes less than you need for lunch. Eat so fast you don’t taste the food.

–> Buy a gas mask and wear it for two hours every day. Run around the yard while you’re wearing it. Do push-ups in it until you pass out. Fill the mask with pepper spray and recite your Social Insurance Number BACKWARDS, have somebody yell, “Wrong. Do it again!” and repeat this process four times before removing the mask and puking your guts out.

–> Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have somebody yell at you and call you a filthy pig. Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again (changing nothing), have the same person inspect it and say “good turnout”.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-INTERACTION WITH CIVILIANS-.-.-.-.-.-.-

–> When around civilians ensure to smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

–>Whenever civilians say or do anything stupid, shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–>Use copious amounts of acronyms and NEVER explain them. When asked to explain shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–> Have other people say stupid things to you like: “you don’t pay taxes, do you?”, “you get free housing”, “man, you must get paid a lot”. Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–>Demand that everyone never thank you for anything you do for them, look at you in a condescending manner and call you names like “G.I. Joe”, and “soldier boy”. Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

This is my first post to my website. I figure the best thing to do is tell you what this website is about.

My About Page which you can find on the right hand side will tell you all about it. But for the sake of a first post I’ll post it’s content here for now.

So here it is, this is what my website is all about:

This website is what parts of me I want to share with the online population. I share my thoughts, my knowledge, my soul. If I feel I want to put it on this website I will.

I feel that a lot of what I share on this website will be useful to other people. If you are an aspiring writer you may want to stay in touch with this website. I myself am an aspiring writer, so you can learn from my mistakes as I make my way to publication.

You may also find that on this website I share some deep thoughts. I find out a lot about myself by asking myself questions then writing about them until I find the answers. I may post these question periods on this website. They are free for you to view. Maybe they will help you out with some of your own questions.

I’m interested in other methods of art other then the written word. I play the violin, and I also may draw. I’m interested in videos as well and may post home videos on my website.

What I share on here will range greatly in topic. Like I already mentioned, the arts will be big, but also topics can range from business ideas to how to milk a cow. Whatever I feel like writing about will make it onto this website. Just search by category to find what you want that interests you.

I will post links to websites that I found interesting, and that I think others will find interesting. I also will let you know that I will recommend some websites that if you end up giving your money to them, I will get a commission.

I will not hide this fact that I may be paid for recommendations of products. I will however not recommend any products for purchase unless I honestly think they will be beneficial to the purchaser, so therefore I’m not afraid to let you know I may receive money for some products I recommend to you.

I would have recommended them anyways even if I wasn’t getting paid, but because they have affiliate programs, I might as well cash in on it. I’m sure many of you out there would do the same. We all could use some extra cash to get by.

Some of the material on my website may be offensive to some people out there. If that is the case, you can either decide not to read my material, or you can leave my website. I will not change how I think, or my beliefs, so a few other people out there can be happy. If you don’t like my website then don’t visit it. My opinions and thoughts are my own, I’m simply sharing them with anybody who cares to take an interest in what I have to share.

Also some of the material on my website may not be of interest to you. It may just be something I posted to help me get my mind straight. If you aren’t interested in it, there may be something else that is. This website has a search function, and a list of the archives, as well as a category menu. If what you see on the front page does not interest you, browse through my website with the options I just listed and you may find something else of value. What is shown on the front page is just my most recent additions to the content of the website.

Feel free to sign up with the website using the register option at the bottom of the right side menu. This will allow you to post and comment on my website. Though please don’t leave spam. I will end up deleting it anyways, and if it gets to bad I will have to start to monitor my comments. This takes up my time, and also doesn’t allow the commentators the convenience of seeing the comments pop up right away.

I hope you will all enjoy my website and I also hope you will come back again and again to see what I’m up to and what you can learn from my writings here.

Cheers,

Cuyler Callahan