Cuyler Callahan's Official Home Page

Fuck. What is wrong with me? I still am blank. I sit here thinking to myself about how much I want to write. I want to write I want to write I want to write… but what do I want to write? Everything that used to seem so important to me doesn’t seem so important any more. When I was younger I wanted to write about things that I wasn’t allowed to do, or I couldn’t do because I wasn’t old enough, or things stopped me.

I wanted to write about great sex and alcohol, and drugs, and I wanted to write it in a fantasy story. I wanted to write about hot characters, with smoking bodies. Curves that I could elusively talk about so I wouldn’t get in trouble by my parents if they read the story. I wanted to write about wars, great battles, with great heroes. I wanted to write about things that couldn’t ever happen in this world, about creatures that didn’t exist, about cultures and worlds and languages that I would make up myself and write about.

What happened to that? Why am I not interested in writing about it any more. Is it that my experiences since I was younger have made these things not seem so exciting any more? I’ve had sex, I’ve been with good looking women. I don’t need to write about sex, or hot women to get off and feel like I’m experiencing it. I have experienced it many times now. I don’t need to write about being drunk. I’ve been drunk many times now. I don’t need to write about drugs. I’ve done drugs.

I don’t need to write about battles. I haven’t been in a battle, but I’ve been in real life simulations, and had explosions go off around me that could injure me If I wasn’t careful. I have stayed up for days on end, and I’ve had hallucinations from being sleep deprived. I’ve experienced a more realistic battle then I could ever write about. The only thing more real would be a real battle. What I write about in a book though was not as rough as what I experienced in training, and so what could I possibly want to write about now. I suppose a more grisly and real life scenario of a real battle.

It seems that my main motivation for writing when I was younger was so I could experience things that I wasn’t allowed. Now I am non religious, and I have experienced many things I wasn’t allowed. I’m in the military, I’m a soldier. What do I want to write about? What reason is it that I want to write? I want to write because I remember what it was like to write before. The enjoyment I got from it. I like writing because I like to see the reactions I get from my readers. I want to write because I want to entertain, I want to make people experience emotion and say “that was a great book. Where is the next one.” I want a lifestyle where I can chill with a coffee in a nice suit and write a book. I want to be the distinguished writer. I want that lifestyle. I want a decent looking woman who is kind, and understands my passion.

What I more or less have written about lately now is my feelings. I’ve written about my feelings, and expressed them. I’ve had deeper conversations with people and written about them. I’ve written about deeper topics. About deeper thoughts I’ve had. I’m expressing myself on paper more directly then through fictional means. So what does this mean? Does this mean that even though I think I want to write fantasy again and fiction, that the reality is I want to write about deep topics and change the thoughts and ideas of other people out there?

Maybe that is it? Maybe I think I want to write fiction, when really I want to write about ideas, theology, and deeper topics that impact people on a deep level, not just give them a good story. But give them something to think about that might change their lives.

I want to write about where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. The questions that religion today has tried to answer. I have my own answers, maybe I can share them with people. Though why do I want to share them with people? Do I want people to understand me? Maybe I feel like I’m alone in the world. I have tons of friends, but my family is all Mormon. I sometimes feel they don’t understand me. And the truth is, no matter how often they say they understand me, they never will. They can never understand me until they have lived my lifestyle.

That is why wars start. We here think we understand a people in another land, so when we try to give them our ideas, and they reject them, they get mad as we try to force them on them.

I’m lucky in this regard that my family doesn’t force their ideas on me, but they still do not understand me and I think I want to write my ideas so that I can see if others out there would like to learn about my believes and maybe they will take an interest in them.

I have started up a website where I share my writing with people. My ideas, my stories, my insights. I want to share an article on my beliefs on there. Maybe people will like it, and they will want to learn more. What more can I teach them? My beliefs are pretty simple. Maybe instead of writing a book about my ideas and thoughts, I will just continue to share them on my website and get faithful readers on there.

But will people take a great interest into my writing? Do people really care about my beliefs enough to be faithful readers? I don’t know, and the best way to find out is to just get people to read my stuff. Maybe later in the future I’ll have enough material an paper to write a full size book. I think another major reason I write is to get my ideas on paper because I have so many of them that I eventually get overwhelmed with my ideas and forget some. So I write them down as a way to archive my ideas.

So when I eventually get enough information for a book, I could put one together. But who would buy it? Who would by a book that has ideas and insights from a young twenty something man who doesn’t have important connections? Why would any body take notice of my ideas. If a famous actor writes something, everybody cares. I’m just a low ranking soldier and a very unfamous young man. Who would care to read? Why would a publisher publish my stuff? Even if it’s put together well, and the editor likes it, they have to have a market for it.

What market would such a book fall into? What genre would a book about my own insights and ideas fall into?

So what have I learned from this writing? I want to write, but my old reasons for writing have disappeared. I think I want to write fantasy, but I really want to write about my new ideas that have formed in my head over the last few years.

I will go about this, by publishing my writings on my site. I will build traffic to my site and get readers.
I also want to write so I can make money. I want to write good content that people take interest in, and they tell their friends, and I get enough traffic to sell advertising, and they buy products. But that means I need to find markets that I know enough about to write interesting and engaging content about.

I know a lot about body building, but I really am not that much of a body builder any more. What else do I know a lot about? I know a lot about writing. But who would listen to me? An unpublished young person. I have no real publishing creditability. I would just be teaching stuff I learned and rehashed to teach others. Thats the problem. I need to be able to write about stuff that I am accomplished in, and that people can see that I have a real say in. I can’t have a real influence in a market if I am not successful in it.

This is stuff I need to think about.

This is a writing piece from a free flow writing session I had a little bit ago. It’s the first one I did when I was just starting to get back into writing. I found it and realized I forgot to post it on the site. I have organized it a bit so its easier for you to all read it. You may find it interesting, you may not. It helped me learn more about myself however, and that is the main purpose of it. This is more for me then for anybody else. But it’s here for people to read if they so feel inclined.

Also if you are afraid to learn things about me that might disrupt your perception of who I am, then don’t read this. My free flow writing sessions are basically putting myself on paper, and sometimes deeper, dark, secrets can end up on the page. If this is something you don’t want to know, don’t read. If your willing to read and accept who I am, then continue on.

Enjoy,

Cuyler Callahan

*******************************************************************************************

Free Flow Writing Session November 17, 2009

Holy shit I haven’t written a story in almost two years . Actually if I think about it it has been two years. 2007 was when I wrote a story last. Even now as I write I can tell that my writing fingers have slowed down, I spell words wrong cause I am trying to type faster then my hands are used to. I used to be able to type so fast.

I also found my memory has gone to shit. I don’t know if it is the military that kinda turned my thinking into mush, or if it’s all the drinking, or maybe as you get older you just start to not be able to think properly. Sometimes I think I’m almost high feeling, its weird. Maybe the weed I did when I was in the city wrecked my mind, but I didn’t do enough of that stuff to effect my brain.

No what I think it is, is my brain has gone rusty. I haven’t thought about anything new really for a very long time. I don’t even like video games much anymore. My mom said that is a good thing, but video games kept me thinking . When I was back in writing up to about 2007 I used to play video games and write and read. That’s all I did. And at that time I was also working out, and reading up on working out. At this time I was very intelligent. I remembered things, I was on the ball I was working my brain at 100 kms an hour.

Now how am I? Even now i am trying to remember what I was trying to write about. Oh yes, now I don’t do anything special when it comes to thinking. Every weekend I try to go out and find a girl to fuck, but usually I don’t do it, mostly because of old moral habits which I’m glad for most of the time. I find myself out more looking for a good girl to date. Which is a good thing. But that’s what I do on the weekend I go out drink, and look for girls, and when I don’t have money, I stay in, watch movies, and try to work on my internet business.

I’m not going to say I don’t write, cause for my internet business I need to write good content for my website, but the content I write is quick and not as good quality as it should be. Good quality is what I used to write, now for my business it’s mostly content made to get out there and just get some clicks to my site. This isn’t what I need. I need good quality work, and post that on the internet cause if people are really interested in my articles cause of the quality, I’ll probably get more clicks as a result vs, if I write a shitty article and post it out there.

Good articles will get referenced too, people will point their friends to it to read it, people will book mark it, and share it with others. If it’s shitty people will probably not even read the whole thing and leave before they get to a link to click to. And they won’t share it, it’ll be seen by a few and forgotten. That’s why I need to write good quality work. So getting back into writing and writing good quality work is what will one day get me somewhere.

So this will benefit me greatly to start writing a lot again. I also need to start reading lots of more interesting information, I need to start getting back into writing stories, cause I haven’t actually worked on a story in a long time. I haven’t created a character and explored that character . I haven’t explored a world I created. I also haven’t read any books in a long time, which I should do.

So whats the plan? What is it that I need to do to start getting my brain flowing? What can I do to grease up the axles and erode the rust away, and get everything like chrome again? How can I get out of the daily grind of the military, without really getting out. Cause i like the military, but I need to get my mind out of it’s hold, I need to do what I need to do, but I can’t be like some machine, that just does what it’s operator tells it too. This is the problem I’m in, I’ve been in a rut, following the same wagon ruts that every other soldier in front of me has followed, and I’m going to the same place as them. It’s not a bad place, but I need to make some stops on the way, and change course a bit.

I think I might stay in the military a long time, but I need to get my brain flowing. I find my brain gets out of the trap the most when I’m on courses. Courses make me think, like in CETT when I had to do math. I really started to think, and the math I actually found it enjoyable. What the fuck? Math enjoyable? Where did that come from? No seriously all the way from elementary when I started math to when I quite highschool I hated math. I did with a passion. I only have grade11 math and it’s the low math. And it’s super easy. I took it cause I did not want to take the middle math, and I didn’t want to do grade 12 math.

Now that I think of it, grade 12 math was what I should have got, but I didn’t and it’s to late now. But the military will help me out and get me to pass my courses, but when I was doing the math I actually enjoyed it. And the reason is I could feel the cob webs falling apart, and the rust breaking with a boom and the axles starting to spin, then some grease got in there and they went faster and faster, and pretty soon I was rambling off math equations and the answers like a pro.

I passed my math test with a 95%. That is one question wrong out of 20. and that question was worded strangely, cause after they went over it I knew how to do that stuff easily. So you see I just need to start reading again. I need to start learning stuff’, and writing stuff, and just continuing on with that until my mind is a whirl wind of possibilities and I start writing pro stuff, and people start getting interested, and publishers get interested, and I get published and I just continue on like that.

Well I think my free flow writing session is come to an end, not even sure how I know that, I just feel like it should come to an end. Well I think this helped out a lot. Goodbye.

******************************************************************************************

Well that is the end of that free flow session.

I hope you enjoy it, and I apologize if you learned things about me you did not want to learn. But that is a free flow session, putting myself onto the paper. You learned about some of the deeper parts of me. Things that are hidden to many people but those I really feel comfortable sharing with.

Cheers,

Cuyler

I was looking through my writing files and stumbled across a file called “Timed Writing”. It consisted of writing that resulted from an exercise that author Holly Lisle recommends. She says that a great way to get back your writing muse, and let you explore yourself to find out whats wrong with you, is to complete an exercise she calls “Timed Writing”.

What you do is set an alarm for 10 minutes. Then when the timer starts, write down whatever enters your mind. Don’t stop writing to correct, or to think. You must just let your fingers fly. You can write down random words if you need to that don’t make any sense. The purpose is for your fingers to continue moving.

I found that usually your first couple sentences don’t make sense, then you start piecing stuff together, and pretty soon you stumble onto some good topics that your mind has been wrestling with. I love this exercise. It is a great way to deal with your writers block, and any other problems that a person might be experiencing. It allows you to explore yourself and see what is bothering you. It’ll help you answer questions you might have.

That is what it has done for me.

These writings were from 2006. Now of course, some of these writings will consist of things that are for my eyes only because they do tend to go deep into your soul and rip out things that need to be brought to the surface.

But what I did tonight was go through one of my writings and put it into a poem so you can see the main topic that I discussed in this piece of writing.

Enjoy,

Cuyler Callahan

*******************************************************************************************

Bad Words Good Bye

I must find it,
the key to my musing
A longer time spit?
My break is abusing

Words dead ride the page.
Here a word, there a word.
A pig eating a bush of sage,
my words describe a turd

More words I must write
I must meet my deadline
My words need be tight,
or no matter the shrine

A book I must love sweet,
for then I can see true,
a horn announce a treat,
sound me among the few

To this task I must complete,
I need to begin my career
Needs be I discard my heats,
to that end I must now adhere

My fingers must be slick
An oiled piston like fly
Write that piece to click,
my bad words good bye