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I feel like shit isn’t happening the way I envisioned it sometimes. Since being in the military I see different opportunities and once again I’m trying to decide which way I want to go? I’m currently just starting my Vehicle Technician QL 3 course. I want to get this training under me. I think it is a very good education to have.

But I’m really worried I will not pass this course. I look at how hard I have to study to pass, and it is incredibly hard. Lots of people have failed off the other courses. Now I know I have the smarts to pass, and nobody has ever called me lazy before. So I know that if I buckle down, I can pass this course.

But what direction do I really want to take? Do I really want to be a vehicle technician? I look at the lifestyle I have now, I sometimes feel like I’ve gone backwards in life.

Now I have made improvements, and I’m slowly getting back to my old self. I quit smoking, so I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t mind drinking, but I have slowed down so I’m not wasting money on it so much, and so I can think better. I still get drunk occasionally. Of course on my holidays I plan to get pretty smashed with my boys on Christmas holidays.

But really, I have improved there. But I’m overweight again. I used to be in good shape. I used to run all the time, lift weights, and watch my food. What has caused me to go back to my original 270 lbs? Well basically I just run and eat lots. I still run, when the military takes us for runs. I still keep the cardio in, but it’s not enough. I need to lift the weights, I need to watch out how much I eat.

Now right now with the amount of time I have for myself, I am only going to be able to watch what I eat. I need to get a handle on this part. Because I don’t know what they are feeding me in there every day, I can’t really set up a schedule to eat only certain food every day.

What I do know is they have an abundant supply of raw vegetables and fruits. I know they have a meat every meal, though sometimes quite greasy. I know they have water, and milk. I also know they have whole wheat breads. Multi grain. Rye. They have good bread.

So what should I stick to? What should I eat from what I mentioned? Well I should grab the most fat free meat they have at each meal, or another animal by product if the food is really fatty. So for breakfast I shouldn’t eat the bacon or sausage. I should grab hard boiled eggs and eat only the egg whites.

I should then only grab water for my drinks. If I’m working out with weights then milk is good, but if all I’m doing is running and eating well, then I should avoid drinking lots of milk. Water is better. I should grab fresh fruits during breakfast to get the energy into me. And a whole grain bread source.

During lunch and supper I should grab the raw vegetables instead. During lunch some bread is good as well if I want to mix it with the veggies to make a sandwich.

All my food should fit on one plate nicely. Not stacked up, but nicely. This is another thing. I eat one plate of food at every meal, but it’s usually heaping, and full of fried foods. Now I need to also get it through my head it’s a lifestyle I’m doing here. If I always eat healthy, the fat on my body will slowly disappear and eventually I’ll be back to my old weight of 230 lbs or so.

Once I get the time, I need to also hit the weights. Now what I need to figure out next is what do I want to do for academics? I know the course I’m taking is extremely tough, and it’s long. Do I really want to be a mechanic? Where do my true passions lye?

I love writing, I love reading. I want to get back into body building. If I got back into working out, and getting shape, I could once again start working on my personal training course. Though I need to get in shape first.

This is where I look at what would be the best trade. If all I want to do is get into great shape, maybe infantry is the way to go. But I also don’t feel like spending days and days in the field. I know I will already spend lots in the field as a vehicle tech. But infantry spend almost all their time in the field. It is only when they are not working and on their own time they aren’t in the field.

Any combat trade would get me into amazing shape, but most of their time is spent in the field. I think vehicle tech is a good trade. The truth is as well that these 6 months of hard studying and training is probably the hardest part of becoming a vehicle tech. Once I get to my unit then I just work and learn in the shop, and eventually I’ll be qualified and working normal hours, and getting my time off in the evening.

The reading is just crazy hard on this course. They expect us to read chapters of technical jumble and then remember it for an exam the next day. It is insane. The fail rate for this course is ridiculous. I just need to buckle down and get it done.

What I need to focus on is eating more healthy food, and not so much. Moderation. Keep up the running, and study hard.

My passions may be writing, but the army is what brings me in the pay checks right at the moment.

For the record, I did not write this. I found this on facebook. I do not know who the original author of this writing is. If you are the original author, let me know, and I’ll gladly give you credit to this and update this post to include your name.

I thought this was a great piece. I’ve been in the Canadian Forces Army for a bit now. I was a reservist in the infantry for a year, from July 07 to July 08, with the Loyal Edmonton Regiment in Edmonton. I got in the Regular Force in April of 2009 and I’m now a member of the Electrical Mechanical Engineers (EME) as a Vehicle Technician.

I find this piece hilarious, but also quite accurate. The best part of being a soldier is laughing at ourselves at some of the strange and nonsensical things we do. So for a good laugh read this piece and enjoy a funny, but accurate, account of the typical Canadian Soldier’s life.

Enjoy!

Cuyler Callahan

HOW TO SIMULATE CANADIAN ARMY LIFE

Want to be a soldier, but really don’t want to commit precious years of your life? Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it’s like to be a Canadian soldier!

-.-.-.-.-FIELD LIFE-.-.-.-.-.-

–> Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

–> Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in that two weeks to shower.

–> Dig a hole in your backyard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

–> Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come by, compliment you on the fine hole you’ve dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else.

–> Always dig a hole next to the hole you’re living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time your move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and it with a “Foul Ground” sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you’re not looking.

–> Collect a jar full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquitos. Pour them down the back of your shirt.

–> Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your backyard and wait two weeks before eating them.

–> If it doesn’t rain, turn on the sprinklers.

–> If you’re incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don’t sleep at all that day.

–> Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are.

–> Cook your meals over sterno. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Leave to sit and turn ice cold. Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, run two kilometers.

–> Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

–> Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters — or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer.

–> For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometers without stopping. Wear a back pack with fifty-five pounds of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way.

–> When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

–> Have one meal a week served to you floating in its own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way.

-.-.-.-.-GARRISON LIFE-.-.-.-.-.- (with the repetitive ones deleted)

–>Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

–> Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, and then have somebody tell you that you’re not entitled to it. Walk away.

–>Have your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend whine about how you’re always on deployment.

Whenever you’re bored, get drunk. Be bored often.

–> Study the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart, clean it and put it back together.

–>Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid suggestions to make the job “easier”. Say “yes sir” and do it the way they told you to do it. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way.

–>Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really hate, stay there for fifteen years.

–>Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new.

–> If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn’t need cleaning.

-.-.-.-.-.-PEACEKEEPING-.-.-.-.-.-

–>Have two neighbours start a fight. Get in between them and have them hit you instead of each other.

–>After the neighbours have hit you several times, have them calm down. Have another, much larger person pretend to be your ally and piss the neighbours off again (by pretending to bomb their houses and basically bully them around) and start them fighting. Repeat the above.

–>Ask the “feuding” neighbours to throw rocks at you and call you names every time they see you, because of what the larger person did to their homes.

–>Bring the neighbours medical supplies, food and blankets. Have them slam the door in your face without saying thank you, because the much larger person bombed their houses. Get some of them to say thank you, and have the much larger person tell you to never bring them that stuff again.

-.-.-.-.-.-TRAINING ENVIRONMENT-.-.-.-.-.-

–> Run. Run a lot. Once in the morning, once at noon and once before supper. Run at least five kilometers each time, singing inane songs and pretending you really want to do this.

–> Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for five hours, or until you pass out and fall face first into the asphalt. Have somebody yell at you the entire time. Have this same person nitpick at you incessantly and then fine you $50.00 and confine you to your room for a week, coming out only to go to the bathroom, shower, or to eat.

–> Have somebody yell at you every time you’re stupid enough go outside without a hat on, slouch, or put your hands in your pockets.

–> Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer.

–> Give yourself twenty minutes less than you need for lunch. Eat so fast you don’t taste the food.

–> Buy a gas mask and wear it for two hours every day. Run around the yard while you’re wearing it. Do push-ups in it until you pass out. Fill the mask with pepper spray and recite your Social Insurance Number BACKWARDS, have somebody yell, “Wrong. Do it again!” and repeat this process four times before removing the mask and puking your guts out.

–> Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have somebody yell at you and call you a filthy pig. Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again (changing nothing), have the same person inspect it and say “good turnout”.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-INTERACTION WITH CIVILIANS-.-.-.-.-.-.-

–> When around civilians ensure to smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

–>Whenever civilians say or do anything stupid, shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–>Use copious amounts of acronyms and NEVER explain them. When asked to explain shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–> Have other people say stupid things to you like: “you don’t pay taxes, do you?”, “you get free housing”, “man, you must get paid a lot”. Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–>Demand that everyone never thank you for anything you do for them, look at you in a condescending manner and call you names like “G.I. Joe”, and “soldier boy”. Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

A buddy of mine and myself went and played Raquette Ball last night. It was my first time at the sport, but I found it to be extremely fun, and the best part, very active.

I worked up a good sweat. And by the time I was done I really thought I had accomplished something good. Usually on the weekends I just get drunk, and rot away in my shacks. Nothing much else to do right? Wrong! I think I need to start looking at the other opportunities the military offers me other then the alcohol that is so easily found on military bases Canada wide.

We have a free gym, bowling lanes, ice arenas, running and biking paths, auto clubs, carpentry clubs, gun clubs. We have all sorts of services here on the base.

But I need to really start looking at my health better. I go for runs 3 times a week with the guys on PAT Platoon. We play sports and do spin classes, and circuit training. I can’t say the military isn’t doing it’s best to keep me in shape.

But I’m not in the shape I was when I used to work out on my own back in the civy world. I need to work out on my own, hit the weights, go for runs on my own time. I find when you workout on your own or with a buddy because of your own choice, you workouts will be much better. You mind is ready for them, prepared for them. It’s not like on PAT where you just can’t wait to finish the run.

Yesterday we played Raquette Ball and afterward we felt great. Now my bud and me are going again to night to play some more.

I am feeling things are coming together and it might not be much longer, I’ll have the motivation to start hitting the weights.

My biggest fear right now is my Vehicle Technician QL 3 Course starting December 2nd. Once that course comes it’ll be nothing but none stop studying for hours on end. It’s one of the toughest courses in the military at the moment for the density of information pushed into our brains in the short amount of time of 6 months.

A 3 year college civy course pushed at us in 6 months. INSANE! The course has a 50% fail rate, if not higher. So I’m getting this motivation, this drive to write, to work out, to get my life back on track where I want it.

But in the end I have to realize I’m a soldier, and my life is on the track the government puts it. I’ll be doing my best however to let a little bit of myself escape.

I’m working on piece currently about how I quit smoking. I hope it will help others out there do the same. Stay tuned for it.