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Free Flow Writing 28 March 2010

Where is my purpose? The importance in what I do? There are things I want to do, but I feel no more drive to do them, because it doesn’t seem important. I want to write, I want to write amazing stories that make people think, but for some reason the importance of doing so seems to have escaped me.

Sure I could write a great story, with great characters. A story that people can’t put down, they see the world through their eyes, they feel what they feel, they see the importance of the characters goals, and cheer them on, all the while seeing what is changing the character. They will cry with the characters, laugh with them, and truly feel almost as if they are them. This is a great story, something I want to write, but feel no drive to write.

I’ve identified what makes writing important, the need to explore themes. Stories drive our world, inspire us to do better, make us think about who we are, and if we are living the best we can. This is all important to the world, but in the end I can’t seem to make stories seem important any more. I know I could write a good story. But I can’t bring myself to put myself into it, my soul.

Why is this? Why am I not seeing that the stories I could write will be important to the readers? It makes me sad that the motivation, the love of the word I used to have when I was younger has fallen away. My action when I do not write, the stuff I do to waste time is far less important then writing, but I find myself constantly doing them. Playing video games, sleeping, drinking, wasting time on movies.

Why do I do these things more, rather then write more and put good words on paper that others can enjoy. I have been slowly writing my Soldier Qualification Serial and I enjoy it when I do that, but that isn’t something I have to create. It is just my adventures during my course. No real theme or action, just some good times to share with others.

I need to find my motivation, and the importance again to write. I love reading and have been doing so more frequently, just having finished Holly Lisle’s Talyn. I’ m now reading General Rick Hillier’s “A Sodier First”. His Auto Biography. These books are both great. Talyn is a fantasy, and yet inspires great things from its readers. ” A Soldier First” is full of great wisdoms from a great man that changed the face of Canadian Military History and made our army better and more respected then it ever has been in a long time.

These books started off as an idea within the authors mind. They both realized the importance of the written word, and they found the motivation to write their books, and their books have both had a great importance on their readers.

I need to find my motivation, sit down, and write.

What is the value of a story? How can you measure it’s worth? Maybe not it’s worth in money, but it’s worth measured by the impact it has on the reader.

I have realized that my stories don’t have much worth. They are shallow. I think the messages in my stories are almost unattainable. My stories are interesting for a younger audience who seek to find an adventure. I suppose they are worth something to younger people. People that haven’t quite matured and are fascinated by the adventures of a protagonist. Whether that be surviving battles, riding eagles, spying on orcs, or surviving harsh climates.
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This holiday season the army gave me and my comrades 3 weeks of leave. We all went home to our families to spend this season of giving with our family and friends.

I found this vacation to my old home to be very eye opening. I often notice when I come home from the army that my perspective on things have changed a lot.
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I feel like shit isn’t happening the way I envisioned it sometimes. Since being in the military I see different opportunities and once again I’m trying to decide which way I want to go? I’m currently just starting my Vehicle Technician QL 3 course. I want to get this training under me. I think it is a very good education to have.

But I’m really worried I will not pass this course. I look at how hard I have to study to pass, and it is incredibly hard. Lots of people have failed off the other courses. Now I know I have the smarts to pass, and nobody has ever called me lazy before. So I know that if I buckle down, I can pass this course.

But what direction do I really want to take? Do I really want to be a vehicle technician? I look at the lifestyle I have now, I sometimes feel like I’ve gone backwards in life.

Now I have made improvements, and I’m slowly getting back to my old self. I quit smoking, so I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t mind drinking, but I have slowed down so I’m not wasting money on it so much, and so I can think better. I still get drunk occasionally. Of course on my holidays I plan to get pretty smashed with my boys on Christmas holidays.

But really, I have improved there. But I’m overweight again. I used to be in good shape. I used to run all the time, lift weights, and watch my food. What has caused me to go back to my original 270 lbs? Well basically I just run and eat lots. I still run, when the military takes us for runs. I still keep the cardio in, but it’s not enough. I need to lift the weights, I need to watch out how much I eat.

Now right now with the amount of time I have for myself, I am only going to be able to watch what I eat. I need to get a handle on this part. Because I don’t know what they are feeding me in there every day, I can’t really set up a schedule to eat only certain food every day.

What I do know is they have an abundant supply of raw vegetables and fruits. I know they have a meat every meal, though sometimes quite greasy. I know they have water, and milk. I also know they have whole wheat breads. Multi grain. Rye. They have good bread.

So what should I stick to? What should I eat from what I mentioned? Well I should grab the most fat free meat they have at each meal, or another animal by product if the food is really fatty. So for breakfast I shouldn’t eat the bacon or sausage. I should grab hard boiled eggs and eat only the egg whites.

I should then only grab water for my drinks. If I’m working out with weights then milk is good, but if all I’m doing is running and eating well, then I should avoid drinking lots of milk. Water is better. I should grab fresh fruits during breakfast to get the energy into me. And a whole grain bread source.

During lunch and supper I should grab the raw vegetables instead. During lunch some bread is good as well if I want to mix it with the veggies to make a sandwich.

All my food should fit on one plate nicely. Not stacked up, but nicely. This is another thing. I eat one plate of food at every meal, but it’s usually heaping, and full of fried foods. Now I need to also get it through my head it’s a lifestyle I’m doing here. If I always eat healthy, the fat on my body will slowly disappear and eventually I’ll be back to my old weight of 230 lbs or so.

Once I get the time, I need to also hit the weights. Now what I need to figure out next is what do I want to do for academics? I know the course I’m taking is extremely tough, and it’s long. Do I really want to be a mechanic? Where do my true passions lye?

I love writing, I love reading. I want to get back into body building. If I got back into working out, and getting shape, I could once again start working on my personal training course. Though I need to get in shape first.

This is where I look at what would be the best trade. If all I want to do is get into great shape, maybe infantry is the way to go. But I also don’t feel like spending days and days in the field. I know I will already spend lots in the field as a vehicle tech. But infantry spend almost all their time in the field. It is only when they are not working and on their own time they aren’t in the field.

Any combat trade would get me into amazing shape, but most of their time is spent in the field. I think vehicle tech is a good trade. The truth is as well that these 6 months of hard studying and training is probably the hardest part of becoming a vehicle tech. Once I get to my unit then I just work and learn in the shop, and eventually I’ll be qualified and working normal hours, and getting my time off in the evening.

The reading is just crazy hard on this course. They expect us to read chapters of technical jumble and then remember it for an exam the next day. It is insane. The fail rate for this course is ridiculous. I just need to buckle down and get it done.

What I need to focus on is eating more healthy food, and not so much. Moderation. Keep up the running, and study hard.

My passions may be writing, but the army is what brings me in the pay checks right at the moment.

This is a writing piece from a free flow writing session I had a little bit ago. It’s the first one I did when I was just starting to get back into writing. I found it and realized I forgot to post it on the site. I have organized it a bit so its easier for you to all read it. You may find it interesting, you may not. It helped me learn more about myself however, and that is the main purpose of it. This is more for me then for anybody else. But it’s here for people to read if they so feel inclined.

Also if you are afraid to learn things about me that might disrupt your perception of who I am, then don’t read this. My free flow writing sessions are basically putting myself on paper, and sometimes deeper, dark, secrets can end up on the page. If this is something you don’t want to know, don’t read. If your willing to read and accept who I am, then continue on.

Enjoy,

Cuyler Callahan

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Free Flow Writing Session November 17, 2009

Holy shit I haven’t written a story in almost two years . Actually if I think about it it has been two years. 2007 was when I wrote a story last. Even now as I write I can tell that my writing fingers have slowed down, I spell words wrong cause I am trying to type faster then my hands are used to. I used to be able to type so fast.

I also found my memory has gone to shit. I don’t know if it is the military that kinda turned my thinking into mush, or if it’s all the drinking, or maybe as you get older you just start to not be able to think properly. Sometimes I think I’m almost high feeling, its weird. Maybe the weed I did when I was in the city wrecked my mind, but I didn’t do enough of that stuff to effect my brain.

No what I think it is, is my brain has gone rusty. I haven’t thought about anything new really for a very long time. I don’t even like video games much anymore. My mom said that is a good thing, but video games kept me thinking . When I was back in writing up to about 2007 I used to play video games and write and read. That’s all I did. And at that time I was also working out, and reading up on working out. At this time I was very intelligent. I remembered things, I was on the ball I was working my brain at 100 kms an hour.

Now how am I? Even now i am trying to remember what I was trying to write about. Oh yes, now I don’t do anything special when it comes to thinking. Every weekend I try to go out and find a girl to fuck, but usually I don’t do it, mostly because of old moral habits which I’m glad for most of the time. I find myself out more looking for a good girl to date. Which is a good thing. But that’s what I do on the weekend I go out drink, and look for girls, and when I don’t have money, I stay in, watch movies, and try to work on my internet business.

I’m not going to say I don’t write, cause for my internet business I need to write good content for my website, but the content I write is quick and not as good quality as it should be. Good quality is what I used to write, now for my business it’s mostly content made to get out there and just get some clicks to my site. This isn’t what I need. I need good quality work, and post that on the internet cause if people are really interested in my articles cause of the quality, I’ll probably get more clicks as a result vs, if I write a shitty article and post it out there.

Good articles will get referenced too, people will point their friends to it to read it, people will book mark it, and share it with others. If it’s shitty people will probably not even read the whole thing and leave before they get to a link to click to. And they won’t share it, it’ll be seen by a few and forgotten. That’s why I need to write good quality work. So getting back into writing and writing good quality work is what will one day get me somewhere.

So this will benefit me greatly to start writing a lot again. I also need to start reading lots of more interesting information, I need to start getting back into writing stories, cause I haven’t actually worked on a story in a long time. I haven’t created a character and explored that character . I haven’t explored a world I created. I also haven’t read any books in a long time, which I should do.

So whats the plan? What is it that I need to do to start getting my brain flowing? What can I do to grease up the axles and erode the rust away, and get everything like chrome again? How can I get out of the daily grind of the military, without really getting out. Cause i like the military, but I need to get my mind out of it’s hold, I need to do what I need to do, but I can’t be like some machine, that just does what it’s operator tells it too. This is the problem I’m in, I’ve been in a rut, following the same wagon ruts that every other soldier in front of me has followed, and I’m going to the same place as them. It’s not a bad place, but I need to make some stops on the way, and change course a bit.

I think I might stay in the military a long time, but I need to get my brain flowing. I find my brain gets out of the trap the most when I’m on courses. Courses make me think, like in CETT when I had to do math. I really started to think, and the math I actually found it enjoyable. What the fuck? Math enjoyable? Where did that come from? No seriously all the way from elementary when I started math to when I quite highschool I hated math. I did with a passion. I only have grade11 math and it’s the low math. And it’s super easy. I took it cause I did not want to take the middle math, and I didn’t want to do grade 12 math.

Now that I think of it, grade 12 math was what I should have got, but I didn’t and it’s to late now. But the military will help me out and get me to pass my courses, but when I was doing the math I actually enjoyed it. And the reason is I could feel the cob webs falling apart, and the rust breaking with a boom and the axles starting to spin, then some grease got in there and they went faster and faster, and pretty soon I was rambling off math equations and the answers like a pro.

I passed my math test with a 95%. That is one question wrong out of 20. and that question was worded strangely, cause after they went over it I knew how to do that stuff easily. So you see I just need to start reading again. I need to start learning stuff’, and writing stuff, and just continuing on with that until my mind is a whirl wind of possibilities and I start writing pro stuff, and people start getting interested, and publishers get interested, and I get published and I just continue on like that.

Well I think my free flow writing session is come to an end, not even sure how I know that, I just feel like it should come to an end. Well I think this helped out a lot. Goodbye.

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Well that is the end of that free flow session.

I hope you enjoy it, and I apologize if you learned things about me you did not want to learn. But that is a free flow session, putting myself onto the paper. You learned about some of the deeper parts of me. Things that are hidden to many people but those I really feel comfortable sharing with.

Cheers,

Cuyler