About Cuyler Callahan, Army, Comedy, Not Created By Cuyler Callahan, Uncategorized

How To Simulate Canadian Army Life

 November 23, 2009

By  CuylerC

For the record, I did not write this. I found this on facebook. I do not know who the original author of this writing is. If you are the original author, let me know, and I’ll gladly give you credit to this and update this post to include your name.

I thought this was a great piece. I’ve been in the Canadian Forces Army for a bit now. I was a reservist in the infantry for a year, from July 07 to July 08, with the Loyal Edmonton Regiment in Edmonton. I got in the Regular Force in April of 2009 and I’m now a member of the Electrical Mechanical Engineers (EME) as a Vehicle Technician.

I find this piece hilarious, but also quite accurate. The best part of being a soldier is laughing at ourselves at some of the strange and nonsensical things we do. So for a good laugh read this piece and enjoy a funny, but accurate, account of the typical Canadian Soldier’s life.

Enjoy!

Cuyler Callahan

HOW TO SIMULATE CANADIAN ARMY LIFE

Want to be a soldier, but really don’t want to commit precious years of your life? Here are some easy ways to simulate exactly what it’s like to be a Canadian soldier!

-.-.-.-.-FIELD LIFE-.-.-.-.-.-

–> Surround yourself with people who smoke like chimneys, drink like fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

–> Pack three days worth of clothes and toiletries. Live in your backyard for two weeks. Go into the house only once in that two weeks to shower.

–> Dig a hole in your backyard and live in it. Allow no direct contact with your family. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

–> Every two days, fill in the hole, move to another part of the yard and dig another hole. Every time you are approximately half-way through digging the hole, have somebody come by, compliment you on the fine hole you’ve dug and tell you to fill it in and dig it somewhere else.

–> Always dig a hole next to the hole you’re living in. This is your toilet. Re-dig the hole every time your move your living hole. Fill in the old hole and it with a “Foul Ground” sign. Have somebody remove the sign while you’re not looking.

–> Collect a jar full of ants, dirt, various bugs and mosquitos. Pour them down the back of your shirt.

–> Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your backyard and wait two weeks before eating them.

–> If it doesn’t rain, turn on the sprinklers.

–> If you’re incredibly tired and fed-up one night, stand guard duty in your hole from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. Don’t sleep at all that day.

–> Sleep for only twenty minutes at a time. No matter how tired you are.

–> Cook your meals over sterno. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Leave to sit and turn ice cold. Eat everything in three minutes. After eating, run two kilometers.

–> Buy two rolls of toilet paper. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

–> Run around your yard, periodically throwing yourself to the ground and crawling for at least 20 meters — or smack your shins, knees and elbows with a hammer.

–> For two days in a row, walk 10 kilometers without stopping. Wear a back pack with fifty-five pounds of weight in it. Bitch and whine the whole way.

–> When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

–> Have one meal a week served to you floating in its own grease in a large cooler or similar insulated container. Serve coffee, juice and other beverages the same way.

-.-.-.-.-GARRISON LIFE-.-.-.-.-.- (with the repetitive ones deleted)

–>Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

–> Ask for equipment or articles of clothing you really need, and then have somebody tell you that you’re not entitled to it. Walk away.

–>Have your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend whine about how you’re always on deployment.

Whenever you’re bored, get drunk. Be bored often.

–> Study the owner’s manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart, clean it and put it back together.

–>Start a project, any project. Have somebody continually stop by and make stupid suggestions to make the job “easier”. Say “yes sir” and do it the way they told you to do it. After they leave, go back to doing it the right way.

–>Move every two years. Whether you want to or not. When you get to a place you really hate, stay there for fifteen years.

–>Replace all your appliances and furniture with those which are outdated, in need of constant repair or dangerous to use. Do more with them than you would if they were new.

–> If you have nothing to do, clean something that doesn’t need cleaning.

-.-.-.-.-.-PEACEKEEPING-.-.-.-.-.-

–>Have two neighbours start a fight. Get in between them and have them hit you instead of each other.

–>After the neighbours have hit you several times, have them calm down. Have another, much larger person pretend to be your ally and piss the neighbours off again (by pretending to bomb their houses and basically bully them around) and start them fighting. Repeat the above.

–>Ask the “feuding” neighbours to throw rocks at you and call you names every time they see you, because of what the larger person did to their homes.

–>Bring the neighbours medical supplies, food and blankets. Have them slam the door in your face without saying thank you, because the much larger person bombed their houses. Get some of them to say thank you, and have the much larger person tell you to never bring them that stuff again.

-.-.-.-.-.-TRAINING ENVIRONMENT-.-.-.-.-.-

–> Run. Run a lot. Once in the morning, once at noon and once before supper. Run at least five kilometers each time, singing inane songs and pretending you really want to do this.

–> Stand to attention in a parking lot in the hot sun for five hours, or until you pass out and fall face first into the asphalt. Have somebody yell at you the entire time. Have this same person nitpick at you incessantly and then fine you $50.00 and confine you to your room for a week, coming out only to go to the bathroom, shower, or to eat.

–> Have somebody yell at you every time you’re stupid enough go outside without a hat on, slouch, or put your hands in your pockets.

–> Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep shearer.

–> Give yourself twenty minutes less than you need for lunch. Eat so fast you don’t taste the food.

–> Buy a gas mask and wear it for two hours every day. Run around the yard while you’re wearing it. Do push-ups in it until you pass out. Fill the mask with pepper spray and recite your Social Insurance Number BACKWARDS, have somebody yell, “Wrong. Do it again!” and repeat this process four times before removing the mask and puking your guts out.

–> Clean and shine everything to perfection. Have somebody yell at you and call you a filthy pig. Pretend to clean and shine everything to perfection again (changing nothing), have the same person inspect it and say “good turnout”.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-INTERACTION WITH CIVILIANS-.-.-.-.-.-.-

–> When around civilians ensure to smoke like a chimney, drink like a fish, bitch/whine/complain about EVERYTHING, and use foul language that would make a teamster blush.

–>Whenever civilians say or do anything stupid, shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–>Use copious amounts of acronyms and NEVER explain them. When asked to explain shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–> Have other people say stupid things to you like: “you don’t pay taxes, do you?”, “you get free housing”, “man, you must get paid a lot”. Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

–>Demand that everyone never thank you for anything you do for them, look at you in a condescending manner and call you names like “G.I. Joe”, and “soldier boy”. Shake your head and mutter in your most contemptuous/condescendingvoice; “f*@kin’ civvies”.

CuylerC


I love words. Words influence and inspire. Words stir emotion and compel thought. Words make the world a better place, but they can also make it horrible. I want my words to make the world better.

Cuyler Callahan

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