December 6

Free Flow Writing Session December 01, 2009

Exploring Myself, Free Flow Writings


Fuck. What is wrong with me? I still am blank. I sit here thinking to myself about how much I want to write. I want to write I want to write I want to write… but what do I want to write? Everything that used to seem so important to me doesn’t seem so important any more. When I was younger I wanted to write about things that I wasn’t allowed to do, or I couldn’t do because I wasn’t old enough, or things stopped me.

I wanted to write about great sex and alcohol, and drugs, and I wanted to write it in a fantasy story. I wanted to write about hot characters, with smoking bodies. Curves that I could elusively talk about so I wouldn’t get in trouble by my parents if they read the story. I wanted to write about wars, great battles, with great heroes. I wanted to write about things that couldn’t ever happen in this world, about creatures that didn’t exist, about cultures and worlds and languages that I would make up myself and write about.

What happened to that? Why am I not interested in writing about it any more. Is it that my experiences since I was younger have made these things not seem so exciting any more? I’ve had sex, I’ve been with good looking women. I don’t need to write about sex, or hot women to get off and feel like I’m experiencing it. I have experienced it many times now. I don’t need to write about being drunk. I’ve been drunk many times now. I don’t need to write about drugs. I’ve done drugs.

I don’t need to write about battles. I haven’t been in a battle, but I’ve been in real life simulations, and had explosions go off around me that could injure me If I wasn’t careful. I have stayed up for days on end, and I’ve had hallucinations from being sleep deprived. I’ve experienced a more realistic battle then I could ever write about. The only thing more real would be a real battle. What I write about in a book though was not as rough as what I experienced in training, and so what could I possibly want to write about now. I suppose a more grisly and real life scenario of a real battle.

It seems that my main motivation for writing when I was younger was so I could experience things that I wasn’t allowed. Now I am non religious, and I have experienced many things I wasn’t allowed. I’m in the military, I’m a soldier. What do I want to write about? What reason is it that I want to write? I want to write because I remember what it was like to write before. The enjoyment I got from it. I like writing because I like to see the reactions I get from my readers. I want to write because I want to entertain, I want to make people experience emotion and say “that was a great book. Where is the next one.” I want a lifestyle where I can chill with a coffee in a nice suit and write a book. I want to be the distinguished writer. I want that lifestyle. I want a decent looking woman who is kind, and understands my passion.

What I more or less have written about lately now is my feelings. I’ve written about my feelings, and expressed them. I’ve had deeper conversations with people and written about them. I’ve written about deeper topics. About deeper thoughts I’ve had. I’m expressing myself on paper more directly then through fictional means. So what does this mean? Does this mean that even though I think I want to write fantasy again and fiction, that the reality is I want to write about deep topics and change the thoughts and ideas of other people out there?

Maybe that is it? Maybe I think I want to write fiction, when really I want to write about ideas, theology, and deeper topics that impact people on a deep level, not just give them a good story. But give them something to think about that might change their lives.

I want to write about where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. The questions that religion today has tried to answer. I have my own answers, maybe I can share them with people. Though why do I want to share them with people? Do I want people to understand me? Maybe I feel like I’m alone in the world. I have tons of friends, but my family is all Mormon. I sometimes feel they don’t understand me. And the truth is, no matter how often they say they understand me, they never will. They can never understand me until they have lived my lifestyle.

That is why wars start. We here think we understand a people in another land, so when we try to give them our ideas, and they reject them, they get mad as we try to force them on them.

I’m lucky in this regard that my family doesn’t force their ideas on me, but they still do not understand me and I think I want to write my ideas so that I can see if others out there would like to learn about my believes and maybe they will take an interest in them.

I have started up a website where I share my writing with people. My ideas, my stories, my insights. I want to share an article on my beliefs on there. Maybe people will like it, and they will want to learn more. What more can I teach them? My beliefs are pretty simple. Maybe instead of writing a book about my ideas and thoughts, I will just continue to share them on my website and get faithful readers on there.

But will people take a great interest into my writing? Do people really care about my beliefs enough to be faithful readers? I don’t know, and the best way to find out is to just get people to read my stuff. Maybe later in the future I’ll have enough material an paper to write a full size book. I think another major reason I write is to get my ideas on paper because I have so many of them that I eventually get overwhelmed with my ideas and forget some. So I write them down as a way to archive my ideas.

So when I eventually get enough information for a book, I could put one together. But who would buy it? Who would by a book that has ideas and insights from a young twenty something man who doesn’t have important connections? Why would any body take notice of my ideas. If a famous actor writes something, everybody cares. I’m just a low ranking soldier and a very unfamous young man. Who would care to read? Why would a publisher publish my stuff? Even if it’s put together well, and the editor likes it, they have to have a market for it.

What market would such a book fall into? What genre would a book about my own insights and ideas fall into?

So what have I learned from this writing? I want to write, but my old reasons for writing have disappeared. I think I want to write fantasy, but I really want to write about my new ideas that have formed in my head over the last few years.

I will go about this, by publishing my writings on my site. I will build traffic to my site and get readers.
I also want to write so I can make money. I want to write good content that people take interest in, and they tell their friends, and I get enough traffic to sell advertising, and they buy products. But that means I need to find markets that I know enough about to write interesting and engaging content about.

I know a lot about body building, but I really am not that much of a body builder any more. What else do I know a lot about? I know a lot about writing. But who would listen to me? An unpublished young person. I have no real publishing creditability. I would just be teaching stuff I learned and rehashed to teach others. Thats the problem. I need to be able to write about stuff that I am accomplished in, and that people can see that I have a real say in. I can’t have a real influence in a market if I am not successful in it.

This is stuff I need to think about.


alcohol, culture, deep topics, desires, drugs, fantasy, finding my muse, goals, life dreams, muse, sex, theology, Writing, writing direction, writing motivaiton

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